MachoSteakJet Science Now! Philanthropy Case #67&30(ff)

“Slow down and enjoy your life!” they always say. Fuck them all — their slow-motion molasses tears, their torpid, frozen sneezes — those words cut me like a knife. Some call it a gift but sometimes I think it’s a curse, this rocketing, this pan-dimensional zooming. Sorry if I get ahead of myself but, lo, that is my way. Let me explain: when I was born, I shot out the window in Connecticut, started crying over the Pacific and smoked a cigarillo before I landed in the Bago Division. I never got a name or an Apgar score.

I did OK. I made it work. I hustled and played. I bobbed and danced. All was OK until I lost my virginity to a she-centaur named ‘Lucky In Loss’. My greatest sadness was when my pan-dimensional, high-energy ejaculate exploded her into a splatter of disappointed dog food. Ever since then, I’ve been a bullet-speed recluse.

But now that Macho Steak Jet bought me an iron-clad robot girlfriend, I’ve had the confidence to live my life like a normal boy!

I’m starting 2009 on a positive note! Thanks Macho Steak Jet for sponsoring me!