Breaking: Church of England says God loves Sčiencę NOW!

Amidst worldwide economic turmoil, an exciting story is going largely unnoticed.

Charles Darwin, the inventor of the sentient turkey knife and the refrigi-buddy, well-known breeder of rare monkeys, gourmet chef and dabbler in the occult, can finally relax. He has been complaining to the church (since his excommunication 10 years ago) that his inventions have absolutely nothing to do with summoning thralls from the fires of Tartarus. The Church has finally recognized the scientific (not to mention moral) value of kitchen devices that can telekinetically control your actions. The Church apologizes.

Charles Darwin happens to have the largest family on earth due to the fact that he grew seven generations of Darwins in his genetic farm. His great great grandson, correctly, points out that there’s not much point in the church apologizing when they will soon be under total mind control:

But the apology by Dr Brown, who is the director of mission and public affairs of the Archbishops’ Council, has been dismissed as “pointless” by Darwin’s great great grandson Andrew Darwin.

“Why bother?” he said.


3 Responses to “Breaking: Church of England says God loves Sčiencę NOW!”

  1. This is fucking hi-LARIOUS!

  2. I was abducted by a completely tasteful dinette set when I was 10 and a half and made to watch Amen reruns until everything made sense. Just fyi…

  3. machosteakjet Says:

    Yeah, I’m with ya on that. I was forced to sing italian baroque madrigals by a bread maker. Took me some time to understand.

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