Science Now! Holiday Edition!


Merry Rosh Hashanah! On this holy day, 5,769 years ago, the Jews invented the planet Earth. To honor the Jewish readers of Machosteakjet’s Premier Journal of Modern Day Sciences for their technological achievement, we will focus on Jews In Science!

Moses was one of the great early Jewish scientists.

Amazon.com lists several books on his spiritual exploits, but I have not read any of them, so I will focus on his scientific achievements.

Moses achieved advancements in telekinesis, rock quarrying, geology, vocal projection and genetics, among many other fields. Of course we know that he invented the pontoon bridge after his psychic water manipulations proved too costly.

He conducted many of his experiments utilizing his lab snake Zhaithan. Here we have an account of a classic experiment that conculsively showed the hygienic benefits of foreskin removal (Zipporah was Moses’ lab assistant):

[…] Satan [Zhaithan in ancient Hebraic]…which proceeded to swallow Moses, and had ingested the upper part of his body, when he stopped. Zipporah seeing this, concluded that the serpent’s action was due to the fact that her son had not been circumcised, whereupon she circumcised him and smeared some of the blood on Moses’ feet.

Moses had a homonculous named Bat Kol who frequently aided him in the finer details of the laboratory environment:

A […] voice (bat kol) was then heard commanding the serpent to disgorge the half-swallowed Moses, which it immediately did.

It was teamwork like this that characterized all of his great scientific discoveries.

Here we have a classic image of Moses demonstrating to the Pharaoh his powerful projectile deflecting golden helmet. Note his trusty self-replicating lab snake Zhaithan:

Here we see Moses discovering the waterfall:

Moses burning local flora telekinetically:

Little known fact: Moses invented the camp fire.

Perhaps Moses’ greatest contributions to Science are his advances in medicine:

After many of the people had been bitten by serpents and died, Moses made the brass serpent and mounted it on a pole, and if those who were bitten looked at it, they did not die.

No scientist unleashed so much medicinal benefit from poles until Benjamin Franklin (a regular contributer to this site) discovered the muscle enhancing qualities of the lightning rod.

Thanks for all the Science, Moses! Stay tuned for the next edition where we discover Philo the Jew, the inventor of braised pork chops!

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3 Responses to “Science Now! Holiday Edition!”

  1. 3rdpresident Says:

    It is only fitting that we honor this amazing scientist on this day. I will be fashioning a Triceratops saddle out of Nile Crocodile leather in honor of Moses’ nameless pet triceratops. When the animal died, Moses grew horns in honor of the beast: http://www.timboucher.com/journal/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/moses-horns.jpg

  2. Thor Thorson Says:

    This has got to be the funniest post I’ve ever read. Holy shit. I actually teared reading it. I’m not a Jew, but I’m pretty sure, if science lets me, I’ll consume one out on the street and steal his feelings! SHALOM

  3. machosteakjet Says:

    When Thor ingests someone that is high praise indeed. I am always honored when you eat one of my friends or family members.

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