A Heart Warming Holiday Story


It was about 5 months ago when I broke my legs. I sit a lot looking out over the lazy golden river snuggled between candy crusted snow caps. It’s been days since I’ve drank any purified water, which is a problem since all the wells are poisoned with blackened cow parts. Some local Boner thought that’d be a funny gift to the locals. Shit sucking hillbilly. Most of us are dead now. Look, I’m going to get right to it.

Obama’s doing a great job gathering his cabinet. I mean, we’ll get a clearer sense of what he’s planning once he gets his new dog all picked out.

Did you know pirates are a problem in the world again? Kerry says we shouldn’t rush in without enough information. He knows about this type of stuff since he was part of Swift Boat. They say that’s where he rushed a grenade launching Chinese Hobgoblin and cut his heart out with a blade curved like a bow.

Let’s just say a little bird told me. And let’s also say that little bird was actually huge and has been perched on my roof sucking ideas out of my mind since last spring.

And nothing swells my joy more than to know Bill Clinton was getting donations from Saudi Arabia, Norway and Bill Gates for that big Black Magic Library everybody’s talking about down there in New York City.

Well, let me tell you, when I head all that, I slit my joy’s neck, drained it of its blood, and raised a sacrificial goblet to myself and the virulent power of my own fucking loins.

Happy Holidays!
Damn Your Eyes!


One Response to “A Heart Warming Holiday Story”

  1. orange rumped agouti Says:


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