I am Released: La Befana, Basta, Basta


As the Italian legend has it, the three Wise Men were in search of the Christ Child when they decided to stop at a small house to ask for directions. Upon knocking, an old woman holding a broom opened the door slightly to see who was there. Standing at her doorstep were three colorfully dressed men who were in need of directions to find the Christ Child. The old woman was unaware of who these three men were looking for and could not point them in the right direction. They kindly asked the old woman to join them on their journey. She declined because she had much housework to do. ‘Ho molto scopare da fare’, said she.
5245179-md1
(Above) La scopa

After the three men left she felt as though she had made a mistake. How was she to know that this simple misunderstanding would eventually damn her soul to eternal wandering? Thinking of the opportunity she had missed, the old woman stopped every child to give them a small treat in hopes that one was the Christ child. The first child the old woman fed a treat to died of a peanut allergy, and so thusly, was cursed for eternity by God.

Each year on the eve of the Epiphany she sets out with her bag of peanut candy searching each child’s house for Christ. La Befana has haunted children for over 2,000 years and it was thought that for countless years more she would continue to haunt until The Lion at World’s End finally released her. Recent skeletal remains tell a different tale. Le Befana is dead; there is no question. But was this an unlawful mercy killing, or does our recent discovery unearth a much darker truth? Oh Lion, Oh Slippery Pale of Sleeping Basilisks, shall we now prepare our final nine steps and follow you down in our own Hel-Shoes?

Although our question may not be answered until it is too late, let us use our time wisely and search for some truths. Firstly, how did we know the skull and broom we unearthed was that of La Befana? When skeletal remains are found, and the victim remains unidentified after traditional means of identification fail, MSJ investigators may call upon the forensic artist to utilize the three-dimensional facial reconstruction technique.
oldman
Investigators may call upon the forensic artist

The three-dimensional process is initiated by placing the skull on a workable stand, where it can easily be tilted and turned in all directions. The skull must be positioned in The Frankfort Horizontal Position for optimal viewing:
frankfort-horizontal-position

Tissue markers and clay will be systematically applied directly on the skull following its contours. Measurements are then made, and logged, to determine nose thickness/length, mouth thickness/width, and eye placement. Information such as geographic location of where the deceased lived/ died, his or her lifestyle, and the various information provided to the artist by the Forensic Anthropologist and other professionals, is heavily relied upon when completing the reconstruction.

In terms of life style we can safely put her in the ever growing category of ‘Eternal Wanderer’. As for geographic location we can not accurately say since the entire Earth was her prison. Luckily though we know where she died because her remains show us that the nameless marshland outside the city limits of Ferrara is in fact where she inhaled copious amounts of bog mud. Samples taken that had coalesced inside her skull’s nose cavity places her approximate death in and around the year of 2007.

frontskullclem1hag
Before and after: Christmas Witch of Italy: La Befana

Both our forensic anthropologist and artists were astounded by what they had discovered. We may never know who killed La Befana and this may be the end of our world. While these discoveries are very important, The College of MachoSteakJet™ is most intrigued by the notion that the blight of eternal suffering can be broken by an even more heinous crime of murder. God cast his angered eye down and smote La Befana with his holy justice. This we know. But if murder is in the domain of Old Nick, does this mean his will is ultimately stronger than our Golden Savior of Holy Might and Righteousness? One day we hope our science will be muscular enough to identify, but in the meantime, we can only pray.
Rest in Peace Treat Witch.

We most likely will meet your spirit very, very soon.

Advertisements

9 Responses to “I am Released: La Befana, Basta, Basta”

  1. Infinite Soup (Oligocene) Says:

    THIS IS SO BRILLIANT THAT I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED OUT LOUD IN MY OFFICE EXCEPT THAT ONE CHRISTMAS I WAS VISITED BY THE TREAT WITCH AND SHE MADE ME TAKE A BATH WITH HER AND SHE TOOK PICTURES AND I CAN TELL YOU I’VE NEVER FELT CLEAN AGAIN BUT IN SPITE OF THIS EMOTIONAL FRAGILITY I STILL LOVE THIS POST MORE THAN I LOVE MY HANDS.

  2. machosteakjet Says:

    LA BAFANA YOU are the FATHER of MY TRIBE. EVIL FORSAKEN WITCH. YOU BETRAYED THE PRINCE OF PEACE which means YOU DESERVED ETERNAL BURNING IN THE HELLFIRES OF JESUS’ HATEFUL lightning.

    The Frankfort Horizontal Position. Very important.

    MACHOSTEAKJET is bloated with treasure. Yet another priceless jewel.

  3. Terminal Dumplin's Says:

    THIS MADE ME LAUGH AND THINK IN EQUAL MEASURE. THANK YOU MSJ COLLEGE FUND FOR YET AGAIN SHINING THE BEACON OF KNOWLEDGE ON US ALL. YOU TRULY ARE A SENTIENT LIGHTHOUSE!

  4. so you are saying that with the witch’s death either satan is more powerful or the world is going to end? WTF? this is the worst site i have ever visited! i pray for you.

    • machosteakjet Says:

      Dear pig,
      thank you for your thoughtful comment and for your prayers. I got a big hearty belly laugh during my daily breakfast of stillborn Christian Scientists flakes.
      Love, Satan

  5. machosteakjet Says:

    pig! pig! machosteakjet luvs u! pig! noooooooooooooo!! pig!

    how can u say such hurtful things about the milk of the heavens MACHOSTEAKJET?! we give you a pleasant pasture, a large trough all to yourself, we brush your tender snout, we will euthanize you using only organic sedatives. Come to papa MSJ, piggy. Who wuvz piggy? MSJ wuvz piggy.

  6. machosteakjet Says:

    p.s. is the Pig God bearded like the Christian one? Thx for praying for us. The Almighty Porcine God thanks you and blesses you with a shower of pork hash.

  7. Shluck Chong Says:

    ブタは暗い場所に、ダウン状態になり、巨大な陰茎を食べる!

  8. Good Idea fot the Befana… Greetings!!!
    NotitiAE for Befana at this link:

    http://notitiae.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/la-befana/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: