Archive for the Face Fuck Smash Core Category

Posted in 1 to go, 13th Floored, 28 Foot Dude, 3rd League Kawanis Club, 87 mile beard, A Big Letter to Your Mother, A Wizard's Nose, Absolute Concept, Absolute Zero Froufrou, Albino Hair System, Atheist Silverback, , Bald Faced Mascot, Breaking News, Chupa-cobra!, Crystal City, Epicurean Torture Chamber, Erudite Libertines, Face Fuck Smash Core, Filthy Water People, First Time Doc, Hand Held Microphone, Hera, Hera; the economy; and YOU, Hoagie Nostalgia, I just found out I only have 2 hands, I Litter to Make Crazy Horse Cry, illegitimate Dream Children, IMMINENT DOOM, Interdimensional Tiki Bar, Jet Machista Del Filete, Macho Steak Jet News Service, Machosteak-Strahl, Machostekjet Fuuds, Meat Hero, Merkin Surprise, Merlin VS. Caring, MSJ & THE ENVIRONMENT, MSJ Annie Versa A, MSJ Fundraiser and Tutoring Romp, MSJ Interdimensional Diversification Services, MSJ Internationale, MSJ Personals, NATIVE AMERICAN RIVER CAT SHOW, Native American Science, NO MORE FUCKING AROUND, NO MORE 世界是漂亮PUPATING到另一個世界 AROUND, NOOO!!!!!, Nostradamus Kidnapping Spree, Oh Mexico!, Organic Centaur, Orginal Science Pleasings, Our Bodies Our Shelves, Post History Situation Comedy, Precoital Inaugural Truths, Preinaugural Postcoital Truths, Primate Freedom, REAL ISSUES, Relativist family reunion, Sandwich Mountain Retreat, Sasquatch Surrogate, Science, Science Now!, Sentient Neck Brace, Shower Genius, Solar Flair, Solar Knowledge Science Time!, The Safe Word: Snug Fit, Uncategorized, Underworld Freedoms!, Underworld Proteksions, Universal Consciousness, Universal Consciousness PART III, Universal Consciousness pt 2, Unmerciful Phone Call, Vestigial Wig, Wolverine Vs. A Baby on May 10, 2011 by 3rdpresident

Advertisements

I am Released: La Befana, Basta, Basta

Posted in A Big Letter to Your Mother, Absolute Concept, Big Butt's Flutaphone, Branding Message Ending, Chocolate Teeth, Crouching Bosom, Don't touch it!!, Earth-spray, Face Fuck Smash Core, Frank Stallone: PISSED!, GOD, Great and honorable change shape wet, Haegar und Hygiene, Homeful Car Singings, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!, Humane Blowhole, Ingenuity and Progress, It's Getting Hot In Here, Merlin VS. Caring, Murder of Crons, Organic Centaur, Plugs, Presidential BBQ tips, Runt Vacuity, The Entente of Ted Kennedy's Feelings™, Zero Froufrou on April 1, 2009 by machosteakjet

As the Italian legend has it, the three Wise Men were in search of the Christ Child when they decided to stop at a small house to ask for directions. Upon knocking, an old woman holding a broom opened the door slightly to see who was there. Standing at her doorstep were three colorfully dressed men who were in need of directions to find the Christ Child. The old woman was unaware of who these three men were looking for and could not point them in the right direction. They kindly asked the old woman to join them on their journey. She declined because she had much housework to do. ‘Ho molto scopare da fare’, said she.
5245179-md1
(Above) La scopa

After the three men left she felt as though she had made a mistake. How was she to know that this simple misunderstanding would eventually damn her soul to eternal wandering? Thinking of the opportunity she had missed, the old woman stopped every child to give them a small treat in hopes that one was the Christ child. The first child the old woman fed a treat to died of a peanut allergy, and so thusly, was cursed for eternity by God.

Each year on the eve of the Epiphany she sets out with her bag of peanut candy searching each child’s house for Christ. La Befana has haunted children for over 2,000 years and it was thought that for countless years more she would continue to haunt until The Lion at World’s End finally released her. Recent skeletal remains tell a different tale. Le Befana is dead; there is no question. But was this an unlawful mercy killing, or does our recent discovery unearth a much darker truth? Oh Lion, Oh Slippery Pale of Sleeping Basilisks, shall we now prepare our final nine steps and follow you down in our own Hel-Shoes?

Although our question may not be answered until it is too late, let us use our time wisely and search for some truths. Firstly, how did we know the skull and broom we unearthed was that of La Befana? When skeletal remains are found, and the victim remains unidentified after traditional means of identification fail, MSJ investigators may call upon the forensic artist to utilize the three-dimensional facial reconstruction technique.
oldman
Investigators may call upon the forensic artist

The three-dimensional process is initiated by placing the skull on a workable stand, where it can easily be tilted and turned in all directions. The skull must be positioned in The Frankfort Horizontal Position for optimal viewing:
frankfort-horizontal-position

Tissue markers and clay will be systematically applied directly on the skull following its contours. Measurements are then made, and logged, to determine nose thickness/length, mouth thickness/width, and eye placement. Information such as geographic location of where the deceased lived/ died, his or her lifestyle, and the various information provided to the artist by the Forensic Anthropologist and other professionals, is heavily relied upon when completing the reconstruction.

In terms of life style we can safely put her in the ever growing category of ‘Eternal Wanderer’. As for geographic location we can not accurately say since the entire Earth was her prison. Luckily though we know where she died because her remains show us that the nameless marshland outside the city limits of Ferrara is in fact where she inhaled copious amounts of bog mud. Samples taken that had coalesced inside her skull’s nose cavity places her approximate death in and around the year of 2007.

frontskullclem1hag
Before and after: Christmas Witch of Italy: La Befana

Both our forensic anthropologist and artists were astounded by what they had discovered. We may never know who killed La Befana and this may be the end of our world. While these discoveries are very important, The College of MachoSteakJet™ is most intrigued by the notion that the blight of eternal suffering can be broken by an even more heinous crime of murder. God cast his angered eye down and smote La Befana with his holy justice. This we know. But if murder is in the domain of Old Nick, does this mean his will is ultimately stronger than our Golden Savior of Holy Might and Righteousness? One day we hope our science will be muscular enough to identify, but in the meantime, we can only pray.
Rest in Peace Treat Witch.

We most likely will meet your spirit very, very soon.

NELSON MANDELA V. BOB BARKER

Posted in 13th Floored, 3rd League Kawanis Club, 87 mile beard, 9002, A Big Letter to Your Mother, A Wizard's Nose, Absolute Concept, Albino Hair System, ANDY GRIFFITH DIMENSION, Arvak and Alsvid, Atheist Silverback, , सुंदर पुनर्जन्म., BARNEY FIFE PORTAL, Bánh khúc cây Giáng sinh, Big Butt's Flutaphone, Birth Footage (PARTIAL), Birthday Apocalypse, Black time travel, Breaking News, Canary of the Sea, Chap Camp™, Chocolate Teeth, Christmas Time!, Chupa-cobra!, Color Theory for Big People, Crystal City, Dino-whore, Dream Cycle Magnetic Resonance Theory, Economic Gibbon Flip, Ed, Education, El Agujero Dos, El Circulo de la Fortuna, Epicurean Torture Chamber, Extra Ectoplasm Please, Face Fuck Smash Core, First Time Doc, First Time Docs, Flagrant Disrespect for The Law, Flesh Suit, Frank Stallone: PISSED!, Friend Group 1879!!, Friend Group 2008!!, Full Bodied Tatoo, Galapagos Sexpot, Giving Time, Gnostic Shopping Spree, GOD, Great and honorable change shape wet, Gylfaginning Delight, Habeus Arthropodum, Habeus Arthropodus, Haegar und Hygiene, Hand Held Microphone, Henna Time!, Hoary Rackuun, Holiday Miracles, Horse Riding Lions, Huge Women, Human Interest Story, Human Kindness, Humane Blowhole, I just found out I only have 2 hands, I Litter to Make Crazy Horse Cry, illegitimate Dream Children, Indonesian composting, Infinity, Infinity + 1, It's Getting Hot In Here, Ω, Japanese Breakfast, Jet Machista Del Filete, John Tesh, Komparative History™, Korean Peace Children, Kris Kringle Assault, Krream Cheese, Kwan Yin, Lawn and Garden, Macho Steak Jet News Service, Merkin Surprise, Merlin VS. Caring, Mountain Vista, MSJ Fundraiser and Tutoring Romp, MSJ Internationale, Murder of Crons, Nature's Midwife, New Born Induced Orgasms, Nostradamus Kidnapping Spree, Oiled Leather Overalls, Oriental?, Original Hymen Destruction, Pelvic Issues, poop log, Post History Situation Comedy, Precoital Inaugural Truths, Preinaugural Postcoital Truths, Presidential BBQ tips, Rawhide Dawn, REAL ISSUES, Remembering, Ropey & No No, Runt Vacuity, Same Channel, Sandwich Mountain Retreat, Sasquatch Surrogate, Scary Basement Grampa, Science, Science Now!, Sentient Neck Brace, Shantastico!, Sherlock Tube, Shower Genius, Slutty nun midget whippings, Smart Philanthrophy Choices, So Take Out All Your Files, Sobriety S.O.S.C.U.B.A., Sun Tan Gossip, SURD, Symptoms, Tennessee Meat Goat, The Big Shouldered Why, The Entente Of Ted Kennedy's Feelings, The Entente of Ted Kennedy's Feelings™, The Fresno Fishwich, time travel, Titz, Trucker Handles That Kill You, Uncategorized, Underworld Freedoms!, Underworld Proteksions, Unflappable Grace, Universal Consciousness, Universal Consciousness PART III, Universal Consciousness pt 2, Unmerciful Phone Call, Velvet Gloved Frindship Approval, Vestigial Wig, Virulent Christmas Loins, Welcome, Why Essents?, Wormhole Atlas, X-mas Farge, Yanni Bake, 帝國主義 on March 5, 2009 by machosteakjet

+

=

!?

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE CHILDREN

Posted in A Big Letter to Your Mother, Canary of the Sea, Color Theory for Big People, Face Fuck Smash Core, Great and honorable change shape wet, Human Interest Story, Humane Blowhole, illegitimate Dream Children, Mountain Vista, Nature's Midwife, New Born Induced Orgasms, Original Hymen Destruction, Pelvic Issues, poop log, Rawhide Dawn, REAL ISSUES, Sandwich Mountain Retreat, Sasquatch Surrogate, Symptoms, Velvet Gloved Frindship Approval with tags , , , , , on January 8, 2009 by machosteakjet

trail_combined

I don’t just eat apes, I eat silverback.

Posted in 87 mile beard, A Big Letter to Your Mother, Absolute Concept, ANDY GRIFFITH DIMENSION, Big Butt's Flutaphone, Birth Footage (PARTIAL), Birthday Apocalypse, Black time travel, Chocolate Teeth, Color Theory for Big People, Face Fuck Smash Core, Holiday Miracles, I just found out I only have 2 hands, Lawn and Garden, Merkin Surprise, Oiled Leather Overalls, Presidential BBQ tips, Ropey & No No, Sandwich Mountain Retreat, Scary Basement Grampa, Science Now!, Sherlock Tube, Shower Genius, Slutty nun midget whippings, The Big Shouldered Why, Unflappable Grace, Unmerciful Phone Call, Virulent Christmas Loins on January 8, 2009 by Who's your man? OH YEAH! Limp Handshake is the man!

A Heart Warming Holiday Story

Posted in A Big Letter to Your Mother, , Christmas Time!, Dream Cycle Magnetic Resonance Theory, Face Fuck Smash Core, Huge Women, I just found out I only have 2 hands, Japanese Breakfast, Korean Peace Children, poop log, Ropey & No No, Science Now!, Sherlock Tube, The Entente of Ted Kennedy's Feelings™, Virulent Christmas Loins, Wormhole Atlas, 帝國主義 on December 29, 2008 by machosteakjet

firespirit111

It was about 5 months ago when I broke my legs. I sit a lot looking out over the lazy golden river snuggled between candy crusted snow caps. It’s been days since I’ve drank any purified water, which is a problem since all the wells are poisoned with blackened cow parts. Some local Boner thought that’d be a funny gift to the locals. Shit sucking hillbilly. Most of us are dead now. Look, I’m going to get right to it.

Obama’s doing a great job gathering his cabinet. I mean, we’ll get a clearer sense of what he’s planning once he gets his new dog all picked out.

Did you know pirates are a problem in the world again? Kerry says we shouldn’t rush in without enough information. He knows about this type of stuff since he was part of Swift Boat. They say that’s where he rushed a grenade launching Chinese Hobgoblin and cut his heart out with a blade curved like a bow.

Let’s just say a little bird told me. And let’s also say that little bird was actually huge and has been perched on my roof sucking ideas out of my mind since last spring.

And nothing swells my joy more than to know Bill Clinton was getting donations from Saudi Arabia, Norway and Bill Gates for that big Black Magic Library everybody’s talking about down there in New York City.

Well, let me tell you, when I head all that, I slit my joy’s neck, drained it of its blood, and raised a sacrificial goblet to myself and the virulent power of my own fucking loins.

Happy Holidays!
Damn Your Eyes!