Spotted In Europe

한국어 당신의 어머니는 나의 개를 먹고 있다

Machosteakjet

NACHO STEK jet!!! Yeeeeehaaawwww!!

NELSON MANDELA V. BOB BARKER

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I don’t just eat apes, I eat silverback.

MachoSteakJet Science Now! Philanthropy Case #9LO04Q

My half brother always laughed at me using the voice of the village’s enslaved cormorants. Always mocking, always superior. Yes I have a mouth where he does not but what does that compare to his awesome power? My father rained on my mother and then I was born. But it was Kauhuhu’s steel drums that made her dance until Water fell from between her legs.

Growing up, I discovered my love and my gift. Water, was always the better and soon became the greatest of our era. His powers were legendary. Women loved him. The Vikings called him Vann. The Romans called him Aqua. The Chinese called him 偉大和光榮的變化形狀的濕.

I needed distance, to strike out on my own but it seemed wherever I travelled, Kauhuhu’s sensuous rhythms followed me; called me back. What was there to do?

But now that Macho Steak Jet™ has imprisoned my cock nibbling brother in the “Orkid the Orca” tank at Sea World, he spends his days being defecated in by those poor captured animals. And to top it all off, I’ve learned a lot about myself! It’s OK to be who you are!

Thanks to you Macho Steak Jet™ for sponsoring me!

सुंदर पुनर्जन्म.

A Heart Warming Holiday Story

It was about 5 months ago when I broke my legs. I sit a lot looking out over the lazy golden river snuggled between candy crusted snow caps. It’s been days since I’ve drank any purified water, which is a problem since all the wells are poisoned with blackened cow parts. Some local Boner thought that’d be a funny gift to the locals. Shit sucking hillbilly. Most of us are dead now. Look, I’m going to get right to it.

Obama’s doing a great job gathering his cabinet. I mean, we’ll get a clearer sense of what he’s planning once he gets his new dog all picked out.

Did you know pirates are a problem in the world again? Kerry says we shouldn’t rush in without enough information. He knows about this type of stuff since he was part of Swift Boat. They say that’s where he rushed a grenade launching Chinese Hobgoblin and cut his heart out with a blade curved like a bow.

Let’s just say a little bird told me. And let’s also say that little bird was actually huge and has been perched on my roof sucking ideas out of my mind since last spring.

And nothing swells my joy more than to know Bill Clinton was getting donations from Saudi Arabia, Norway and Bill Gates for that big Black Magic Library everybody’s talking about down there in New York City.

Well, let me tell you, when I head all that, I slit my joy’s neck, drained it of its blood, and raised a sacrificial goblet to myself and the virulent power of my own fucking loins.

Happy Holidays!
Damn Your Eyes!

A Very Special Holiday Episode of MACHO Steak Jet (MagiKS) Terra-Clown @ Barbie DreamouZZZZZZZ®

Let the Englishmen have their Father Christmas. Save Schmutzli for the Germans. It is my pleasure, honor and — as an forester/gastroenterologist/wizard — my professional obligation to introduce you gentlemen and gentlewomen at MACHO Steak Jet (MagiKS) Terra-Clown @ Barbie DreamouZZZZZZZ® to the heroic Catalan tradition of the Caga Tio (trans: Poop Log).

Caga Tio is a log that Catalan families keep in their houses during the yuletide. A word of explanation from the infallible Wikipedia™:

Beginning with the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (December 8), one gives the tió a little bit to “eat” every night and usually covers him with a little blanket so that he will not be cold at night.

On Christmas day or, depending on the particular household, on Christmas Eve, one puts the tió partly into the fireplace and orders it to “poop” (the fire part of this tradition is no longer as widespread as it once was, since many modern homes do not have a fireplace). To make him “poop”, one beats him with sticks, while singing various songs of Tió de Nadal.

That’s right. You force-feed him for three weeks and then, literally, beat the shit out of him, taunting him with this song:

poop log,
poop turrón,
hazelnuts and cottage cheese,
if you don’t poop well,
I’ll hit you with a stick,
poop log!

after which the poop log placidly defecates nuts, dried fruit and presents out his wooden anus (in this way, not unlike Just1n).

When nothing is left to “poop”, it drops a salt herring, a head of garlic, an onion or “urinates”. What comes out of the tió is a communal rather than individual gift, shared by everyone present.

Personally, I applaud the Catalans. For a long time, I’ve maintained the family that makes the poop log together will stay together. Someday, I hope to make the poop log with my kids, make one big poop log for the whole family. And I’m already excited to show-off our poop log to our friends and neighbors.

By the way, this is not the weirdest European Christmas tradition. Just wait until next year when we blow the lid of Zwarte Piet.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO!!!

Questions About Our Economy: Answered

Is it just me or does everyone keep complaining about how bad the economy is? I really don’t get it; I always find that I have enough money. I eat at Red Lobster almost every night and usually have the breaded shrimp dinner with an extra hushpuppie. On Fridays I splurge and go for the scampi. See? I also own many of the most popular CDs and DVDs. Doesn’t sound like there’s much of a problem here. In fact just yesterday I went to Gifford’s Pawn and purchased fourteen broken fax machines. I attached them to the bumper of my ’96 Honda Accord with those super thin bungee cords and drove almost two miles before all of my tires blew out. You know what I did then? I laughed and said a prayer. Sang it actually. I sometimes also buy gold doubloons and carry them around in my breast pocket because I like the way they feel. Before I fall asleep, I say prayers and the prayers keep going around and around in my mind until I fall asleep. Last night I was visited by a large coyote covered in golden chain mail. Instead of eyes he had smooth pearlescent discs that looked like they were made of fingernails. His tail looked like a small evergreen tree. He wandered around my room silently and then stole some of my favorite DVDs. I pretended to be asleep the whole time. If he comes back I’m going to try and get my DVDs back but if not that’s ok too since I’m really not that worried about money.

MachoSteakJet Science Now! Philanthropy Case #78.3JG

‘Yes’, my Tranhumanist friend told me, ‘It does look like a pie plate connected to metal squids. But it is so much more. You see, Magnetoencephalography will measure your brain waves to tell us how you drove your mother mad with visions.’

As the tests wore on, they took the days with them. And my power grew. And so did my disgust. Although my friend allowed me to brush his horse, ‘Clever’, I could see his mind, and knew his insatiable appetite for enormous women would tear us apart.

He always fucked my new giant girlfriends. And that is exactly why I made his god damn head explode.

But now that I call Dubai my new home, I am free to pursue the life I have always wished for.

Thanks to you MachoSteakJet for sponsoring me!

Get To Know Our Contributors: JSommerian Early Childhood Footage Part 5: A Perfect Talent?

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Get to Know Our Contributors: Thor Thorson ‘In Depth’

Ziggy Played GUITARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

Sometimes MY green tube of tooth paste is filled with barbiturates too!

God Damn you Ziggy. God Damn you Straight To Hell.