RUPERT H. WHELDON ILLUSTRATED

How to eat sensually.

I am Released: La Befana, Basta, Basta

As the Italian legend has it, the three Wise Men were in search of the Christ Child when they decided to stop at a small house to ask for directions. Upon knocking, an old woman holding a broom opened the door slightly to see who was there. Standing at her doorstep were three colorfully dressed men who were in need of directions to find the Christ Child. The old woman was unaware of who these three men were looking for and could not point them in the right direction. They kindly asked the old woman to join them on their journey. She declined because she had much housework to do. ‘Ho molto scopare da fare’, said she.

(Above) La scopa

After the three men left she felt as though she had made a mistake. How was she to know that this simple misunderstanding would eventually damn her soul to eternal wandering? Thinking of the opportunity she had missed, the old woman stopped every child to give them a small treat in hopes that one was the Christ child. The first child the old woman fed a treat to died of a peanut allergy, and so thusly, was cursed for eternity by God.

Each year on the eve of the Epiphany she sets out with her bag of peanut candy searching each child’s house for Christ. La Befana has haunted children for over 2,000 years and it was thought that for countless years more she would continue to haunt until The Lion at World’s End finally released her. Recent skeletal remains tell a different tale. Le Befana is dead; there is no question. But was this an unlawful mercy killing, or does our recent discovery unearth a much darker truth? Oh Lion, Oh Slippery Pale of Sleeping Basilisks, shall we now prepare our final nine steps and follow you down in our own Hel-Shoes?

Although our question may not be answered until it is too late, let us use our time wisely and search for some truths. Firstly, how did we know the skull and broom we unearthed was that of La Befana? When skeletal remains are found, and the victim remains unidentified after traditional means of identification fail, MSJ investigators may call upon the forensic artist to utilize the three-dimensional facial reconstruction technique.

Investigators may call upon the forensic artist

The three-dimensional process is initiated by placing the skull on a workable stand, where it can easily be tilted and turned in all directions. The skull must be positioned in The Frankfort Horizontal Position for optimal viewing:

Tissue markers and clay will be systematically applied directly on the skull following its contours. Measurements are then made, and logged, to determine nose thickness/length, mouth thickness/width, and eye placement. Information such as geographic location of where the deceased lived/ died, his or her lifestyle, and the various information provided to the artist by the Forensic Anthropologist and other professionals, is heavily relied upon when completing the reconstruction.

In terms of life style we can safely put her in the ever growing category of ‘Eternal Wanderer’. As for geographic location we can not accurately say since the entire Earth was her prison. Luckily though we know where she died because her remains show us that the nameless marshland outside the city limits of Ferrara is in fact where she inhaled copious amounts of bog mud. Samples taken that had coalesced inside her skull’s nose cavity places her approximate death in and around the year of 2007.

Before and after: Christmas Witch of Italy: La Befana

Both our forensic anthropologist and artists were astounded by what they had discovered. We may never know who killed La Befana and this may be the end of our world. While these discoveries are very important, The College of MachoSteakJet™ is most intrigued by the notion that the blight of eternal suffering can be broken by an even more heinous crime of murder. God cast his angered eye down and smote La Befana with his holy justice. This we know. But if murder is in the domain of Old Nick, does this mean his will is ultimately stronger than our Golden Savior of Holy Might and Righteousness? One day we hope our science will be muscular enough to identify, but in the meantime, we can only pray.
Rest in Peace Treat Witch.

We most likely will meet your spirit very, very soon.

Medical Science Reports: Study Results Doc: MSJ Clinical Trial Results: Microbial Agent Shows Promise in Symptomatic Voriconazole and Aspergillosis in the Runic Curse

Study Type: Interventional Study Design: Treatment, Randomized, Open Label, Uncontrolled, Random Group Assignment/Euthanasia Study Official Title: Open Label Study of Isavuconazole in the Termination of Patients With Aspergillosis and Renal Impairment With Non-Invasive, Æsiric Curses.

Introduction:
The Science Now! editors, in the interest of maintaining a positive relationship with our shareholders, would like to give a full accounting of the recent MSJ Clinical Trial Results from our ongoing research into Æsiric and Alaisiagaeic curses.

Purpose:
This study examined the effectiveness of the drug doxycycline in reducing the number of Þrúðheimr perstans (Þp), worms in the blood of runically cursed patients and thereby initiating spontaneous Aldric draining by natural means.

Þp is a very small filarial worm that is spread chiefly by Nordendorf Druids. Þp can cause swellings in the arms, legs, breast, face, hands, feet, lower back, upper back, eyes, ears and scrotum, and can progress to permanent swelling of the legs or arms called elephantitis. Þp can cause itching, swelling, fever, headache, pilonoidal leaking, sinus infections, or other symptoms. Ivermectin and albendazole are medicines used to treat congenital damnation. They eliminate the Þp parasite from the blood but do not correct persistent moral corruption (as defined as an unwillingness to wield Sigurdhr Fåvnesbane in the MSJASAM Standards Doc 2b, sub. 4.0005.0a). The drug may be useful in the Þp (Àlf-blót) infections (cause of Skaldic swelling) as well.

Residents of Nordendorf and nearby villages in Saxony who are infected with the Þp parasite, were between 14 and 65 years of age, were in deteriorating health, had a marked and swollen rune pouch, were not pregnant or breastfeeding, and weighed at least 40 kg (88 lb) were eligible for this study. They may or may not also have been infected with wyrd. Candidates were screened with a brief medical history, proximal habitation to a barrow-mound, and blood tests to look for infection with Þp. Daughters of Aegir were excluded for legal reasons.

Subject Selection:
The team developed a positive relationship with our subjects.

Our subjects were chosen carefully based on the MSJASAM Standards Doc. #2a, section 1a: “Guidelines for Subject Selection and Liquidation”. As per the guidelines foremost in our consideration were nearness to death and symptomatic manifestation of inner Skaldic corruption. Lab assistants were assigned standardized diagnostic tools and guidelines:

Figure 1a: Symptom Guidline

Figure 1b: Pictorial Diagnostic Aid

Results:
In this post-treatment image, we can clearly see that despite planned euthanasia, we clearly made progress in establishing the relationship between astrological perturbations and manifestation of the symptomatic curse:

One of the truly surprising and gratifying results of the trial is pictured here. This patient showed an (almost) complete absence of Æsiric corruption:

While this subject showed promising signs of progress, there were some unfortunate side-effects:

Pre-treatment:

Post-treatment:

However, the most astonishing result came in the fourteenth year of the study. A picture is worth a thousand words:

Pre-treatment:

Post-treatment:

The effect of our microbial agents on these subjects was quite conclusive and was the key result that led to MSJFDA Approval.

Conclusion:
Machosteakjet continues its groundbreaking work for The Medical Sciences. The MSJ Science Team thanks you for your continued financial support.

Macho Steak Jet and the Environment

Macho Steak Jet is committed to environmental leadership in all of its activities, from its technical operations to its award winning FIRST TIME DOCS. MSJ’s corporate policy on environmental affairs is supported by its global environmental sustainability management system business network governance strategy coalition, which is the key to science. The results have been significant:

• Redefine global warming as: Earth Is Totally Hot™!
• 30% increase in griffins over the last 2,500 years
• Get out of your car and into a horse corpse
• Psychomental phase/space “greening” thought broadcast (Universe)
• Reusable hands
• Environmentally Correct Underground Hovercraft
• Prudence
• Trendy euthanasia for the preteen set
• Removable deserts
• Polar Bears v. Tigers
• “Clean Coal”, “Clean Dirt”, “Clean Diarrhea”, “Clean Uncleanliness”, “Space”, “Time”, “True Love”, “Hatchbacks”
• Instant water
• Science
• Terra-forming India
• “Green” Beards (Projected 2014)

Stewardship

Here’s to a green future, Macho Steak Jet!