한국어 당신의 어머니는 나의 개를 먹고 있다

Machosteakjet

NELSON MANDELA V. BOB BARKER

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MachoSteakJet Science Now! Philanthropy Case #78.3JG

‘Yes’, my Tranhumanist friend told me, ‘It does look like a pie plate connected to metal squids. But it is so much more. You see, Magnetoencephalography will measure your brain waves to tell us how you drove your mother mad with visions.’

As the tests wore on, they took the days with them. And my power grew. And so did my disgust. Although my friend allowed me to brush his horse, ‘Clever’, I could see his mind, and knew his insatiable appetite for enormous women would tear us apart.

He always fucked my new giant girlfriends. And that is exactly why I made his god damn head explode.

But now that I call Dubai my new home, I am free to pursue the life I have always wished for.

Thanks to you MachoSteakJet for sponsoring me!

A History Of MACHO Steak Jet

A History Of MACHO Steak Jet
A History Of MACHO Steak Jet
A History Of MACHO Steak Jet
A History Of MACHO Steak Jet
A History Of MACHO Steak Jet

Chapter One: Heroism Revisited

Science! Right Now! Great Victories in Science: Shen Kuo!

Due to the Great Success of Science Now!’s series Great Successes in Science!, the Science Now! team brings you Great Victories in Science: Shen Kuo!

Shen Kuo is pictured above just shortly after he invented the monkey.

The great Shen Kuo was born in Qiantang in the year 1031 C.E. Shen is most well known for the invention of the compass. Although most historians fail to mention that Shen’s first compass weighed over 6,000 pounds and could only be powered by harnessed elephants:

Shen’s list of occupations include mathematician, astronomer, meteorologist, geologist, zoologist, botanist, pharmacologist, agronomist, archaeologist, ethnographer, cartographer, encyclopedist, general, diplomat, hydraulic engineer, inventor, academy chancellor, finance minister, governmental state inspector, poet, and musician. He was the head official for the Bureau of Astronomy in the Song court, as well as an Assistant Minister of Imperial Hospitality. None of which is of particular interest to the Science Now! editors. Except, perhaps, for his term as Assistant Minister of Imperial Hospitality. During his illustrious time at the court he introduced, among other things, the anti-bacterial Cheongsam for Imperial Guests.

We have used our science investigation team to uncover the true advance Shen Kuo! made in alien ethnography, as evidenced by this field report:

In a passage of the Dream Pool Essays called “Strange Happenings”, Shen provided a peculiar account of an unidentified flying object that Professor Zhang Longqiao of the Chinese Department of Peking Teachers College states is “a clue that a flying craft from some other planet once landed somewhere near Yangzhou in China.” […] Shen wrote that, during the reign of Emperor Renzong (1022–1063), an object as bright as a pearl occasionally hovered over the city of Yangzhou at night, but described first by local inhabitants of eastern Anhui and then in Jiangsu. Shen wrote that a man near Xingkai Lake observed this curious object; allegedly it:

…opened its door and a flood of intense light like sunbeams darted out of it, then the outer shell opened up, appearing as large as a bed with a big pearl the size of a fist illuminating the interior in silvery white. The intense silver-white light, shot from the interior, was too strong for human eyes to behold; it cast shadows of every tree within a radius of ten miles. The spectacle was like the rising sun, lighting up the distant sky and woods in red. Then all of a sudden, the object took off at a tremendous speed and descended upon the lake like the sun setting.

The next time you experience a mysterious and alien fist-sized pearl of light and part of you wants to resist its will, let the Science of Shen Kuo relax you. Shen’s lifetime of exploration and inquiry into bed-sized aliens and magical floating pearls led, ultimately, to the (correct) conclusion that aliens have our best interest at heart. Thanks Shen for your Victory in Science!

Stay tuned for our next victorious scientist: Jesus!

Friend Group Winter 2008

The Halloween Ghoul

Presidential BBQ tips

Once again, it’s time for Presidential BBQ tips. In Honor of the Louisiana Purchase and the admission of Ohio into the Union in 1803 this post will be about chili.

If you want a spicy chili, avoid prepackaged chili powders as they lack the flavor only fresh peppers can offer. Craft a more flavorful mixture by combining fresh peppers. Choose any combination from the list below, cut each in half, remove the seeds, and bake at 300 degrees for 5-10 minutes until crisp. The pulverize in a food processor or by hand.

ancho pepper
kick: low
Body: high
Burn: Low

Cayenne Pepper
Kick: High
Body: Low
Burn: High

Chipotle pepper
Kick: Medium-High
Body: Medium
Burn: Medium-High

Guajillo Pepper
Kick: Medium-High
Body: Medium-High
Burn: Medium-Low

New Mexico Red Pepper
Kick: Medium
Body: Medium-High
Burn: Medium

When pairing Chili with a Beer, try these suggestions from Joe Tucker president of RateBeer.com:
Victory Prima Pils From the home of my good friend Ben Franklin, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania
If you like light beer, “The effervescence enhances the chili’s spiciness,”
Three Flyods Alpha King From the Indiana Territory If you like balanced beer, it’s hints of citrus cleanse your palate.
Stone Double Bastard Ale from the Spanish territory of San Diego, California If you like strong beer, the caramel flavor dances well with chili ingredients.

Whatever you do, avoid ingredients, beverages, and Presidential Candidates from Arizona. The soil is substandard for agriculture, The beer is tainted by Robotic Vampiric Magicks, and the leadership might be cannibal zombies. Would you want them handling things you were going to eat? I wouldn’t and I lived 200 years ago when Washington D.C. was a malaria filled swamp.

Keeping Women Down Since Tatooine‏

More to come, one every day this week until the first debate of the 2008 presidential election!

-R-dawg Moreno

Keeping Women Down Since Tatooine‏

A good analogy for the Republican Party

‼∆БΔѓ Family Time

UPDATE: The Transformation Is NOW Complete

UPDATE: Transformation Complete

What’s happening to my body?

The Triple Entente

Excerpt

I thought, for the sake of the union, that I should update you on a conversation I had last night with Justin…

DS: How was D.C.?
JC: Great. I was raped by the founding fathers.
DS: Is it true that Hamilton had the biggest cock?
JC: No. Not true. It was actually, it was actually Betsy Ross. Surprisingly.
DS: Wow. What happened?
JC: She sewed up my colon so hard, I coughed out a star. The 51st star.
DS: And that's why Puerto Rico isn't a state?
JC: Correct.
DS: Huh.

If you come across any history books, please update them.

Failed Presidential Candidates From America’s Checkered History

America’s getting all twitter-pated about it’s upcoming presidential election. What excitement! The fate of the free world hangs in the balance. Perhaps it’s time to reflect on the free worlds that could have been. Yes, it’s time once again for Failed Presidential Candidates From America’s Checkered History! This week’s FPCFACH is Benjamin Gratz Brown!

Facts about B. Gratz Brown:

— Attended TRANSYLVANIA COLLEGE!

— He fought a DUEL at a place called BLOODY ISLAND.

— He LOST the duel.

— But LIVED!

— Political Party? Why, he was a UNCONDITIONAL UNIONIST!

These facts add up to an incontrovertible truth: in 1872 a vampire was only 157 electoral college votes away from president!

Next week on FPCFACH: the virgin millionaire!

The First Super Villian: Turbo Teen vs. The Original Man?

When Bi-Clops thinks about Science he HEATS UP! And when he heats up he turns into a sporty motorcycle that can go in reverse and features AM/FM radio!

OH YEAH!™ Super Heroes Unite for Whatever!

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